It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you can’t stop thinking about him. Every time your phone rings you gasp, wondering if it’s HIM. You’re at Starbucks and unexpectedly, HE shows up, and he’s all alone. Did you tell him you would be at Starbucks today? Your mind races…what should you say to him? (Hey, how’s it going? [No] Hi – I didn’t know you’d be here! [Lame.] Bon jour! [You’re kidding me.]) You are awkward and tongue- tied. You ask yourself: What’s the MATTER with me?

Relax. Whether you are 17, 37, 57, or 97, there is NOTHING the matter with you. Like many women, you are simply and solidly in lust – doing what we all do, at any age, when a captivating new man marches into our life and a new romance blossoms. The secret is to recognize this passion and obsession as infatuation. Do not mistake it for love.

Relationships come in four distinct categories: Interest, Intrigue, Infatuation, and Love. They don’t necessarily happen together, or in any given order. Infatuation gets red flagged and a lot of exposure on Valentine’s Day. Infatuation can feel like love. It acts like love. It gives you lots of fun, but also gets you into the most trouble, and the biggest heartbreaks. Before we take a closer look at infatuation, let’s check out the other categories.

Interest begins with a first glance. If that first eye contact lasts more than five seconds, the message is, “I’m interested”. Try it. Flirting and conversation ensue.

Intrigue is pure desire, nothing else. Have you ever made eye contact with someone and instantly felt that electric buzz? That’s hot intrigue. It’s a heat-seeking missile and physical. If you already have a partner, it can also mean real trouble unless you ignore it.

Love... true mature love, is not romantic love. It is slow developing over time, energizing, dependable and supportive. In real love, you don’t need to be constantly together, because your trust level is unquestioned.

Our smitten lady at Starbucks is solidly in infatuation. She may think she is in love, but she’s really in lust. Like intrigue, she’s emotionally and sexually on fire. But, unlike intrigue, she wants a deeper relationship. She thinks about HIM 24/7. When they get together, they are inseparable. Does it mean she has met the love of her life, the father of her children, or the long awaited soul mate?

The answer is a cautious Maybe. Infatuation is an intense, time-limited state of affairs. Thank goodness, because it is exhausting! All those middle of the night phone calls, the obsessing, the heart pounding – it wears you out! The good news is that infatuation is necessary and wonderful. It floods us with endorphins and pleasure hormones that make the world a beautiful, exhilarating place. As it evolves, this is romance at its best. It’s fuel for romantic poets and sages. Especially on Valentine’s Day, we fall for it easily.

But, caution! What goes up must come down. Infatuation’s romance has an evil twin – a dark side. It turns out Cupid is not as emotionally stable as we would like. For all the amorous, euphoric feelings of romance, there can be equal moments of gloomy, distressing reactions, based mostly on an age-old question…How could he do this to me? Abandonment, disappointment, and rejection can produce depression, groveling, begging, and even the stalking and threatening of our former “beloved”.

What should you do when you feel out of control and love-struck? Be honest with yourself about where you are in the relationship. Infatuation is fun and fabulous when it’s ridden with hearts, flowers and hot sex. But recognize that you are at an unbalanced place. Take time to exhale. Spend some time by yourself for reflection. Talk to your girlfriends. All of these will help you keep perspective on your new “love”.

If you stay with your new man for awhile – anywhere from three months to three years (yes, in rare cases, infatuation can last 3 years!), don’t be surprised if you find yourself wondering what happened to the flame when the intensity starts to wane. Believe it or not, in a healthy relationship, that’s a moment to savor. It means you are dropping the pretense of romance and signals the possibility of a long-term and more stable commitment.

A few years ago, there was a diamond advertisement that read, “Nothing worthwhile happens fast”. Cupid isn’t going to like it, but this phrase applies heartily to true love. Infatuation is the trickiest of all emotional waters to navigate. Enjoy it, but be honest with yourself about what is happening. Real love takes time.