San Francisco Womens Journal » relationships

San Francisco 2010 Wedding Trends

SFWJ — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:11:33 +0000

Laurel Winzler

Just like fashion, wedding styles are subject to ever-changing trends. Tastes in food, gowns, music and decor are always evolving, and definitely reflect style trends in the world of interior design and fashion.

by Laurel Winzler
San Francisco Floral and Event Designer

Once you’ve booked your wedding venue, the next step is to decide the style of wedding that reflects your taste and the experience you want to create. Following are 5 current trends in wedding decor for 2010 that you will see in the San Francisco Bay Area:

Vivid Color

This is a long-term trend that continues strong, as pastels take a back seat to lively colors and bold mixes like purple and bright green, orange and hot pink, chocolate brown and periwinkle. The color teal is making a comeback as a popular choice for dresses and accents, frequently paired with purples or bright, sunny yellow.

Green/Organic

Many brides are serious about making their weddings as “green” as possible, choosing venues, caterers and florists who emphasize the use of renewable, recyclable and locally-sourced materials. The trend carries over into the kinds of floral materials chosen for the designs and the inclusion of non-traditional elements like fruits, vegetables, moss and succulents.

“Vintage” Styling

This trend emphasizes the use of “found” or antique items and things that are special to the couple or the families to add a more personal touch to the wedding.

It is not limited to casual venues, but can be incorporated into very elegant settings as well, by the addition of items that are collected by the couple, references to family homes, traditional ethnic foods, etc.

Interactive Fun

Many brides want to add an element of fun in the form of activities for their guests. Currently the old-fashioned arcade photo booth is the most popular such activity, providing a way for guests to unwind and also leave with a unique souvenir.

Paper Decorations and Accessories

For outdoor or more casual/country weddings, decor may include paper lanterns, paper flowers, fans and parasols. These add color at an inexpensive price point, and can be very practical as well in hot climates and outdoor settings.

Beyond the invitation, the whole idea of a “suite” of paper items such as “save the date” cards, place cards, menus, labels and favors is very popular, and there are many creative and fun options.

Remember selecting your location is the first step in the process of planning a memorable and perfect wedding. It will influence the “style” of your wedding, so as you consider colors and trends, be sure to think of it in terms of your venue.

Laurel Winzler left a career in the legal world to establish her successful floral and event design business, Laurel Designs. She has built a reputation for innovative and exciting designs, serving clients from Bay Area brides to the San Francisco Symphony. Drawing on years of experience as a performer and artist, she specializes in working with each client to enhance the beauty of their homes, offices and special events.

Laurel is a preferred vendor at many exclusive Bay Area event venues, and donates her time and talents to many organizations, including San Francisco Opera, Special Olympics, Make-a-Wish Foundation, the Community Music Center, Project Inform and the Junior League of San Francisco. In addition, she is a sought-after speaker at hospitality industry events. Please visit her website, flaurel.com, to learn more.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Plan Your Wedding: It Starts by Choosing the Right Venue!

SFWJ — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:47:35 +0000

Laurel Winzler

We all think of June as the month for weddings. In fact, here in the SF Bay Area the fall is more popular, due to the good weather we experience in September and October. No matter when your wedding is; it all starts with choosing the right venue!

by Laurel Winzler
Floral and Event Designer

Starting the Process

If you’ve recently planned any type of party or social event, you understand how expensive it is to entertain in the Bay Area. The cost of venue, food, rentals, flowers, photography and entertainment is far beyond what most people anticipate. Many a bride finds herself immediately torn between the idea of the “dream wedding” she’s always wanted and the hard reality that it may exceed her budget.

No one can expect to “have it all” despite the costs. A wedding involves the efforts of many talented and experienced professionals, and the fees they charge can’t be negotiated away. Nor can the costs of materials, labor and transportation be compromised on.

No matter how much a bride wants top quality, unless she’s prepared to pay for it some trade-offs will need to be made.

It All Starts with Selecting the Right Venue!

The first thing that every bride does is select a location for her ceremony and reception. Every other aspect of the wedding is dependent on the venue, so making this first choice be the right choice is extremely important.

Event venues come in two types: commercial entities like hotels, restaurants and private clubs; or free-standing event spaces like mansions, social halls, art galleries, etc.

Commercial spaces offer the advantage of one-stop shopping, where things like food and beverage, rentals, audio-visual and cake are part of a package at a per-head cost for each guest. Independent venues (called “off premises” sites) typically offer nothing more than an empty space where every item for the wedding needs to be brought in by an outside vendor.

Many people opt for the all-inclusive approach because it means less leg work and fewer decisions. The disadvantage is that there will be less variety and flexibility in what’s offered, and it may seem less “personal” to the couple.

By contrast, an empty mansion offers endless possibilities for food and decor, but also many more details that need to be addressed and coordinated. And therefore more work and stress for the couple.

Understanding your personal priorities will help you make the right choice at the beginning of the planning process.

Do It Yourself?

As a result of financial pressures, many couples are saving money by working with family and friends to “do it yourself” on some aspects of the wedding. Many wedding magazines and other media are also encouraging this approach – which has its pluses and minuses.

On the plus side, you can reduce spending by creating your own floral decor, or by eliminating flowers altogether and opting for other types of decorations such as paper garlands, candles, lanterns, etc. to fill the space.

The downside of do it yourself is that you may be taking on tasks that are more complicated or time-sensitive than you realize, which will definitely add to your last-minute stress. You also may be burdening family and friends by pressing them to help out, thereby reducing their enjoyment of the wedding.

There’s a reason why professionals charge what they do. It’s important to balance the aggravation and stress of DIY ideas vs. the cost of having someone else carry that burden for you.

Striking a Balance

Without a doubt, the best way to contain costs in planning a wedding is to LIMIT THE GUEST LIST !!! This has the biggest impact on overall expenses, since the costs for venue, food, alcohol, rentals, cake and decor are directly tied to the number of people who will be attending. By keeping the head count fewer than 100 people, a bride has a better chance of getting the quality of event she wants, and has many more creative and interesting options to choose from.

As is so often the case, the best approach may be moderation. Determine what your priorities are – food? music? flowers? – and allocate a realistic amount of your budget to cover those elements. Decide where you can scale back your expectations, to have what you need but perhaps not what your “dream” would be.

And always keep in mind that you’re planning a party, so keeping it fun for you and enjoyable for your guests is the highest priority of all!

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Divorce and Money: Splitting the Assets

SFWJ — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 00:52:07 +0000

Allison Gervais

If money is a problem in your relationship, it’s probably going to become an even bigger problem with divorce. What if more money is owed on the house than it is worth? What about retirment accounts?

by Allison Gervais
Sr. Mortgage Loan Consultant

Your Home Value is Upside Down and You’re Divorcing…Now What?

You’re in the midst of a divorce and the value of your home is less than your mortgage. How do you navigate thru these troubled financial waters?

One of You Keeps the House

If one of you wants to keep the house, remember banks rarely allow a person to take his/her name off the loan, thus relieving them of any financial responsibility. The standard way this is completed is through a refinance.

Sell the House

If you both decide to sell, the only option available (in this case) is if the bank is willing to participate in a short sale. A short sale means the bank will accept less money than the balance of the mortgage due to a decline in value. This option leaves both owners without any cash from the sale and also having to find a new place to live.

If you’re the one who wants to move out, consider the risk of leaving your name on the mortgage. If your ex misses even one payment, it will ruin your credit. You will also have a harder time obtaining other credit if you have the mortgage responsibility PLUS your new living expenses since the mortgage will remain on your credit as an obligation.

Wait for the Value to Increase before Selling

Another option is waiting until the value increases before selling. This gives you the possibility of higher proceeds to share upon a later sale date. The two of you would need to decide who lives there (you could even rent it out) and how the mortgage gets paid. It’s a matter of deciding if you want to cut your losses now or stick it out for the market to turn around. There is also a moral decision as short selling or foreclosure allows you to walk away from an obligation you originally agreed to pay.

What about our Retirement?

Divide Retirement Assets without Liquidating

Another point to consider is that retirement accounts like 401(k)’s and pensions do not have to be liquidated to be split. In fact, closing or pulling money out of these accounts early will almost always land you with administrative charges, penalties and a load of deferred taxes.

A much smarter option is to divide the accounts via a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO). This order will segregate the funds in the account between you and your ex, while leaving the money where it is. Once the QDRO is entered and approved by the pension company, you will each own a separate part of the account.

You can each independently withdraw money if you have to (but will have to pay penalties just as if you were not getting divorced). Or just leave the account intact in the expectation that the value will increase when the economy improves. Some people make the mistake of just keeping their individual accounts and the person with more transferring over the difference. All accounts are not the same and you could end up with a lesser performing fund.

Talk to a CDFA (certified divorce financial analyst) or Financial Advisor for advice, not just your attorney. If you were not in control of your financial situation during your marriage or feel lost with getting back on your feet, a Divorce Coach can help you budget and map out a plan through the process, saving you money on attorney fees. You don’t have to do it alone!

Allison Gervais is a Senior Mortgage Loan Consultant with First Capital Group – a mortgage company in San Francisco, CA. She offers residential and commercial financing. Allison is also a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and uses her expertise to assist clients with the equitable division of assets. Please e-mail Allison for more information.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Men: Is It Time To Update Your Appearance?

SFWJ — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 14:17:01 +0000

Michele Benza

Moisturizers, eye creams, massages, manicure, spray tanning, shopping…the modern gentleman is now aware of the importance of his appearance. He now takes care of himself to stay handsome, young and in shape.

The beauty cult is no longer a territory reserved to women. Men…your appearance matters!

by Michele Benza
San Francisco Image Consultant
(Read this article in the SF BAWJ magazine.)

Get Help with an Image Consultant!

If you still believe that hiring an image consultant is for other people, think again! To make peace with one’s appearance is no small matter. It’s a step toward building self-esteem in our professional and personal lives.

Image consulting illustrates an essential characteristic of our era: we are a society that loves images.

Ramp Up Your Career

Professionally we are judged not only on our aptitudes but also on our appearance. We often find the need to acquire new competences to have access to a promotion. Our image must also pair with this new position. At equal competences, it is the person that has also ‘the look’ that will finally be chosen.

On the personal level, reworking your appearance increases your self-esteem as well as your self-confidence, enabling you greater successes.

Image consulting is for everyone who is unsure how to go about enhancing their appearance and who might be lost when it comes to selecting current fashions.

If you’ve been going to the same hairstylist for the last 15 years, are still wearing the same style clothes you were when Michael Jackson came out with Thriller, and you buy your clothes at the same shops you did when you when you graduated from college…it may be time for an update!

Hate to Shop?

For those of you who become nauseous at the idea of having to enter a store and start shopping for new clothes, image consulting services are for you, and judging from market trends, they are here to stay.

Many men would try anything to avoid the drudgery of shopping. Hiring the services of an image consultant/personal shopper will help you reveal your distinct personality, enhance your features, maximize your physical qualities and develop a winning wardrobe.

Appearance Counts

Like it or not, our outward appearance affects the impression we make on others, consequently impacting our lives. Whether we get a job, business contract, or a new relationship can hinge, at least partially, on our first impression. Is your image conveying what you want it to?

So now, throw yourself into the image consulting adventure and be ready for your personal and professional image transformation!

A bientôt,

Michele

Michele Benza is San Francisco’s “Best Kept Secret”! She is the founder of “Michele Benza Image Consulting and Posture” and is a member of the Association of Image Consultants International (AICI). Michele is also the only American member of the Association Francaise pour L’image Professionnelle et Personnelle (AFIPP)!

You can work with Michele on-line or face-to-face. Call (415) 956-3025 or e-mail Michele for an appointment. You’ll be thrilled with the results! To learn more, please visit her website at MicheleBenza.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Take Control of the Juggling Act: Work versus Home

SFWJ — Thu, 20 May 2010 13:56:32 +0000

Many of my clients tell me that keeping perspective day to day is challenging when you’re managing many different roles. Being a wife, a mother, a friend, as well as managing a career, and finding the time to also honor and take care of your own needs is a massive juggling act for every woman.

by Kristin Southwick
CA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

How do you balance these competing roles and keep your head above water without feeling depleted at the end of the day?

This article is part 1 of a 4 part series that will help you learn ways to create structure and balance in your life. Today we’ll focus on the workplace. Future articles will discuss finding time to nurture and care for yourself, ways to balance relationships, and family life.

Career Demands versus Home Demands

A common issue that I often hear is the high-stress conflict of dealing with career demands and expectations while balancing that with home demands and expectations. One of the best ways to help yourself navigate these two key issues is to set boundaries. Start by developing clear boundaries around your work life. Whether in a corporate setting, your own home, or anywhere in between you should be realistic and clear with yourself about what you can feasibly accomplish.

5 Tips to Help You Balance Your Work Life

1. Listen to your body. Your body will give you some great clues into how you are affected by external factors. For example does your stomach turn or do you clench your teeth when you think about the conflict of going home at a reasonable hour versus staying to finish a high priority assignment? Let your body guide you to set limits where you can. If that means leaving at a certain time of day, then prioritize your tasks and focus on what needs to be completed before the end of the day.

2. Create boundaries that will help you manage others who are pressuring you into taking on more than you feel comfortable doing.

For example, if something is asked of you that goes beyond your job role and duties, a clear limit will help you be prepared with an appropriate response. Tell the person you will get back to them with an answer. This allows you to walk away from the situation, take a moment to consider what is being asked, and how long it will take to complete the task. It also provides an opportunity to consider if the time investment is one that will have a positive career impact.

3. Offering to do more than expected at your job can cause you to end up feeling overwhelmed and resentful. But it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and “accidentally” put yourself into that situation. Work at implementing helpful strategies that support you on these kinds of occasions. Try counting to 10 before you jump in or perhaps you need to take 5 minutes to step away, catch your breathe and then decide the next steps.

4. Ask for others to help if too much responsibility is being put on you and be open with what you need to successfully complete your job.

5. Lastly, it is essential to remember that when you have multiple assignments being given to you in a day or even an hour, it’s important to create a structure that will help you manage your workflow. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or that you just need a break then allow yourself to take 5 minutes to just breathe and catch-up. The key is to not procrastinate and to help yourself stay focused and organized.

Renewed Energy

You’ll find an abundance of renewed energy when you take more control of your work life. I would like to encourage you to start by considering these suggestions. Just choose one idea that resonates with you and add it into your day to day responsibilities. You’ll be amazed at how much that one little action will help you to feel more in control of your life and feeling renewed energy for yourself, your family, and your relationships!

If you enjoyed this article, you can find Part 2 of this series on Work Life Balance…Making Time for You here!

Kristin Southwick is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with the CA Board of Behavioral Science and received her Master’s from John F. Kennedy University. She has a private practice in San Francisco and Burlingame.

Kristin believes therapy is a meaningful experience that offers a supportive and confidential space to explore aspects of one’s life and relationships. She provides brief and long term counseling services to children, adolescent, adults, couples, and families. For more information regarding Kristin’s practice, please visit her website, KristinSouthwick.com.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

What does Life Wisdom have to do with Your Sexuality?

SFWJ — Wed, 19 May 2010 14:55:59 +0000

What has shaped your womanhood? Have you wondered why you think dramatically differently than your best friend (or even your own daughter!) about behavior, values, dress, and attitude towards men?

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW
Sexuality & Intimacy Educator

How Can She Think That?

Have you thought, “how can she say/do/think that?” It’s all about the “how to be a woman” lessons you gathered (or that she missed) from your years on this planet.

Last month, we started a series about the Wheel of Sexuality - 6 wedges in a wheel that contribute to how we play out our lives as women. By the way, the term sexuality is an umbrella term over all 6 unique wedges, or categories for articulating our womanhood.

Physical sex is just one wedge. Every woman has 5 more! The Wheel of Sexuality gives us a format for honoring and celebrating all aspects of our sexual self.

Life Wisdom and Your Sexuality

This month we examine the 1st wedge of the Wheel, Our life wisdom, the basis of who we are … our foundation … and that’s not the old fashioned name for tinted moisturizer! Our foundation erupts out of past experiences specifically as women – some wonderful, some not so fantastic. Those events sculpt our individuality today, and our preferences for how we each want to express ourselves as women.

Know this: there is no right or wrong way to behave as women, in spite of what Cosmo might tell us!

You lived through some amazing historical events – and you formed an opinion about womanly conduct that sits indelibly sketched on your brain. Consider: How did you interpret Monica Lewinsky’s behavior with President Clinton? What did your church or neighborhood chatter tell you about the values? How did Sarah Palin’s attitude about pregnancy and her daughter in the last election affect you?

Always Put a Newspaper on the Guy’s Lap!

You had personal life events that either have given you pause in relationships, or have freed you to be intimately adventurous. To illustrate, at a young age, many women were witness to a man’s exposing himself against her will (not talked about, but sadly a frequent and unfortunate event). On the other hand, you may have had a first sexual experience with a gentle kind passionate guy who cared deeply about your satisfaction and happiness.

One woman I know was told by consecutive teenage boyfriends that she was too fat. Today she is stunningly attractive, and, yes, sees herself as heavy and unworthy. Conversely, another friend carries herself beautifully in her larger frame, in part because she had grandparents who told her continually how lovely she was – inside and out.

Your womanly life wisdom was also influenced by ethnic/cultural influences, spirituality and/or religion, your own personality, the friendships you made with the opposite sex, experiences (good and bad) with former partners, even the formal sex education you may or may not have had.

I have a friend who was told by a Nun that she must always put a newspaper on the boy’s lap before she accepted his invitation to sit there – otherwise, instant pregnancy! It took her years to get past how absurd those instructions were, because they came from a respected authority figure.

Add it all up, and you are dramatically different from every other woman on the planet. Honor the extraordinary sexuality that your own distinctive life wisdom has bestowed upon you.

Next month, we will look at Intimacy.

Katherine Forsythe, MSW, is committed to bringing joy and insight into relationships, intimacy, and sexuality for women at midlife and beyond. Through her blog, consulting, and speaking, she inspires us to redefine and invigorate intimacy and relationships on our terms, as we mature.

Her post graduate work includes San Francisco State’s Institute for Human Sexuality. Kat is credentialed by AASECT – the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Please visit her website, GetaSecondWind, to learn more.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

The Death of Feminism: Rediscovering Polarity in Relationship!

SFWJ — Tue, 18 May 2010 14:12:28 +0000

After sitting with a lot of couples over the years as a life coach and therapist, a common dynamic that I see is the strong, dominant woman with a soft and loving, but emasculated man.

by Rick Snyder, Therapist and Life Coach

The woman often complains that her man does not lead enough in the relationship, and he complains that she is too controlling and bossy.

It appears as if both genders have become disconnected from the healthy integration of masculine and feminine principles.

Equality is not Sameness

The dark side of feminism is that it made women empowered by borrowing masculine power. Women have learned that to have success in this world, they need to wear the pants. Feminism fought to find equality, but one of the shadow aspects is that it neutralized the polarity charge between the genders.

Equality is not sameness. Women have lost some of their innate feminine power.

Men are Becoming Feminized and… loosing Touch with their Masculine Power

To make matters worse, men for the most part, have feminized and lost touch with a healthy sense of masculine power. Men are left with the question of how to be connected to their heart and be in their power, but do not have many role models for this way of being. Many men have learned that power = abuse, which it can be when it’s not connected to the heart.

Thus, most men have split from either their heart or their power.

Empowered Masculine Energy

I often hear the term “empowered woman” amongst today’s circles of progressive, conscious women. Advertisers have latched onto this trend as well, claiming their product or service will “empower you” and make you feel happier, bigger/better, last longer, feel younger, etc. So why is it that I often cringe when I hear women around me proclaim their empowerment?

When I hear today’s woman stating that she wants to feel “empowered,” it’s often encased in a yang, masculinized energetic that makes me want to run.

There is very limited teaching of a yin-based power, where women learn what it means to embody their natural radiance. And that they don’t have to “go after” their success, love, etc. to get their needs met.

The power of yin dynamics is to actively be receptive: The ability to draw life dynamics to you. Most women may be triggered reading these words as receptivity has often been taught as passive, which is far from the truth.

Honoring our Differences

Feminism has done an appropriate job, but will not take us to our next stage of evolution. What is needed is a model that recognizes and honors the differences in our gender dynamics, and celebrates these. The sperm initiates and the egg responds.

Men and women are different, yet we need to learn how to embody our natural principles instead of fighting them. For more insight on what this model could look like, check-out There Is No Such Thing as a Negative Emotion by Daniel Barron. And take a look at this article on the elements of feminine and masculine power!

What do you think…are women becoming too masculine and men too feminine? And if so, what has been the impact on your relationship?

Rick Snyder, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and MFT Intern, is a life coach and therapist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is as also a course leader for the Authentic Man Program and The Transformational Coaching and Leadership Training.

Rick is passionate about helping men, women, and couples discover their purpose, power, and aliveness in their careers and in their relationships. Drawing upon his background in Somatic Psychology, Emotional Body Awareness, meditation, and martial arts, Rick also infuses his work with humor, providing an uplifting and potent blend of profound awareness, authenticity, and play. For more information, check out Rick’s services at RickSnyder.org.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Ignite the Passion in Your Relationship by Honoring Your Truth

SFWJ — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 11:55:31 +0000

Rick Snyder

It takes great courage to continue to honor our truth in relationship. As my friend Jayson says, “The hallmark of a healthy, solid relationship is the willingness and ability to go into conflict and deal.”

by Rick Snyder

After working with hundreds of couples and individuals who are searching for more passion and aliveness in their relationships, I have to agree. A common overlooked theme that often brings couples to my practice is the withholding of their authentic “truth”. This often happens as the relationship progresses and we get more “comfortable.”

“I Don’t Want to Rock the Boat”

Each partner no longer wants to risk “rocking the boat,” with the common excuse of “not wanting to get into a fight about it.” Soon, each partner begins withholding what they really feel and think, and buries their authentic expression.

In therapy or coaching sessions, this often shows up as a complaint about the deadness in their relationship.

We are trained and conditioned in our culture to believe that conflict is bad. When the truth is that conflict is inevitable, and the real question is how do we face and skillfully navigate conflict when it arises? This is where a relationship actually deepens and departs from the “honeymoon stage” where everything is what we’ve always dreamed of.

Differing Points of View can lead to Deeper Relationships

As one of my professors often said, “A relationship doesn’t really happen until you’ve had your first fight.” What he meant by this is that only when the honeymoon bubble pops, do both partners have to face and negotiate differing points of view. Only then do they have an opportunity to face adversity together and either make it through and deepen their relationship, or decide to never go there again. This is where our idealized projections of our partner begin to fade and we get to see and experience each other for who we really are.

The Art of Telling the Truth

Now, there is an art to telling one’s truth. We can either err on the side of sugarcoating or sanitizing our truth, so it comes out as if we are sorry for having any differing thoughts or feelings at all.

Or the other extreme is using our “truth” as a weapon against the other person. This is where we assume our authority on someone else’s experience.

I grew up in a household where it was admirable to sugarcoat or put on “a good face,” and not fully own what I was really feeling. Thus, this is often the dynamic that shows up in my personal relationships.

Practicing to Improve

So I have been practicing the opposite – which is to lean into the uncomfortable edge of owning my feelings and just “rolling things out” without censoring myself. And then later cleaning up what needs to be cleared up in my communication.

As soon as I own where I’m disconnected, or where I am withholding my truth, I am back in connection and in relationship.

The more you lean into the edge that you’re not as comfortable with; more of you will actually be present in the relationship. Not only will you find the missing passion but you will continue to discover deeper levels of intimacy.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

You Complete Me: The Damaging Relationship Myth of our Times

SFWJ — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:42:52 +0000

I’m starting a new series of articles in the SF Bay Area Women’s Journal about relationships and man-woman dynamics, from a male perspective. This first article is centered around a common relationship myth that still pervades our culture: that our partner “completes” us.

by Rick Snyder, SF Bay Area Life Coach and Therapist

Rick Snyder

Even jokingly, we say that she or he is my “better half.” After working with hundreds of men, women, and couples as a therapist and life coach, I have witnessed over and over, the damage of this perspective.

The Perfect One

From Hollywood and Disney to High School Prom nights, many couples still remain restless in not finding that perfect mate. The one who is supposed to meet all of our needs, help take care of us, and look great doing it!

I know I’m exaggerating to make a point here, yet when we get down to it, most couples are actually in a relationship with their projections and fantasies of their partner. And that fantasy image quite often does not include the vulnerabilities, awkwardness and beautiful uniqueness of the person who is right in front of them.

The Simple Fact

Here’s the simple fact: you can’t really have a relationship with someone else, until you first develop a healthy one with yourself! This is the biggest blind spot I have seen in my own relationships as well as those that I work with.

Our culture is so other-relational based that we seem to take for granted the need to first develop a self-relational base. Somebody needs to be home to have a relationship with!

I’ve been a big caretaker in past relationships and have realized that if I’m not meeting my own needs, then what do I really have to give? And what is my motivation to give? Is there something unspoken that I am wanting in return?

These are the honest questions that really bring to light the issues that get in the way of authentically relating with our partner. If there is a “give to get,” chances are both people can feel it on some level.

First Steps

I have found that my relationships are more alive when I can lead by example. When my ulterior “give to get” motives come into my awareness, I share them with my partner. This way of authentically relating allows both of us to feel free in the moment and deepen our connection. It even allows us to laugh about our old stories and myths of how we hold onto and keep love, or unconsciously block it.

You may be wondering how you can learn to develop an intimate relationship with yourself. How can you learn to love and honor your changing needs from moment to moment? How can you own that you need love, but not be willing to sell your truth to get it?

Begin by Honoring Yourself

As one of my teachers, Daniel Barron has said, “When you come from love, it doesn’t feel like you’re losing your center. When you’re losing your center, you’re not coming from love.”

When I have made the time to honor and take good care of myself, then I usually attract a woman who is more in her wholeness as well.

She may complement me, but does not complete me. That’s my job!

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Baby Boomer Dating…When the Phone Doesn’t Ring after the First Date!

SFWJ — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:40:29 +0000

He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose the restaurant du jour because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense.

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW

Katherine Forsythe

After dinner, you strolled arm in arm with him, down to the Embarcadero. You cuddled close together and star gazed. The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You virtually skipped back to your house after he left.

You can’t escape the thought…

This one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful!

The Phone Doesn’t Ring

Then, the phone doesn’t ring. For days. No email. No text message. What gives?

You begin to obsess. Did I drop the ball? Maybe I promised to call him?

What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will e-mail him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman?

And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?

Be Prepared for the Ups and Downs

In the world of midlife dating be prepared for the confusion and anxious feelings that arise. And remember, that although it’s many, many years later since that first date in High School, men and women still approach relationships from very different perspectives.

Men think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Women think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we women build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth.

Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.

If You Felt Good Energy…He Probably Did Too!

Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did too, and he will call again on his schedule. Maybe it will be right away… maybe not.

And in this age of the liberated woman, you may not like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run.

Ebb and Flow of Dating at Midlife

Dating at every age and stage of life has a natural “ebb and flow” to it. At midlife it’s important to be your own best friend when it comes to dating. Remember to honor your personal journey, be kind and nurturing of yourself. And at the same time extend the same respect to your date.

We all arrive at midlife dating having navigated the potholes and pitfalls of life and relationship experiences. Our experiences affect each of us very differently.

While you’re waiting for Mr. Wonderful to call, consider the best advice your Mother may have given you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing!

And trust that when he’s really the ONE, it will be Wonderful for both of you!

Doesnt Ring after the First Date!" width="448" height="43" />Katherine Forsythe, MSW, is committed to bringing joy and insight into relationships, intimacy, and sexuality for women at midlife and beyond. Through her blog, consulting, and speaking, she inspires us to redefine and invigorate intimacy and relationships on our terms, as we mature.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!