San Francisco Womens Journal » sex

Is Your Relationship Dead or Alive: Relationship vs Relating

SFWJ — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 11:37:12 +0000

Rick Snyder

Why is it that most of the time, people talk about their relationship but very few people actually pay attention to how they are relating? What I mean is this: the idea or concept of relationship becomes a step removed from the actual quality of connection that is happening moment to moment.

by Rick Snyder
SF Bay Area Therapist and Life Coach

Relationship is a Noun

We often relate to our “relationship” is as if it is a static, solid thing. We “thingify” it.

“Yeah, we’re working on our ‘relationship.’” “The most important relationship in my life is……”

If you feel into it, you can feel the heaviness of how the relationship has become a fixed concept, a thing to deal with, even if it’s to celebrate.

What goes missing; is the reality that a relationship is alive, always changing, and happening moment to moment.

As soon as we relate to our relationship as a thing, we begin to deaden it ever so subtlety until one day, it actually begins to feel like a relic – even when we are still in it!

Relating is a Verb

The most alive question of all is to begin feeling into how you are relating in this moment. What is the quality of your relating? Can you feel the spark? The attraction? Even the dullness? What’s happening as he looks you in the eyes, and you turn away?

Even if you feel into what you’re not sharing with your partner, by bringing awareness to this moment you focus your attention on the quality of relating that is happening right now. Shifting and bring aliveness to the quality of your relating only happens in the present moment.

Begin tuning in to how you are tuning in.

The Juice of Relating and the Dryness of Relationship

Relating is an alive verb that is constantly occurring in each moment. It is the only place where a real transaction or exchange is happening. Otherwise, we are relating to our relationship as an idea. And that means it’s already somewhat fixed, dead or a concept vs. an alive experience to…experience. We assume we know what our partner will say next, and miss each opportunity to bring a freshness to our experience.

So continue asking yourself, how am I relating right now?
Rick Snyder, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and MFT Intern, is a San Francisco Bay Area life coach and therapist. He is as also a course leader for the Authentic Man Program and The Transformational Coaching and Leadership Training.

Rick is passionate about helping men, women, and couples discover their purpose, power, and aliveness in their careers and in their relationships. Drawing upon his background in Somatic Psychology, Emotional Body Awareness, meditation, and martial arts, Rick also infuses his work with humor, providing an uplifting and potent blend of profound awareness, authenticity, and play. For more information, check out Rick’s services at RickSnyder.org.

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Women’s Sexuality: The Joy of Touch and other Sensual Delights

SFWJ — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:39:32 +0000

Katherine Forsythe

Ooooooh, yes! Touch me there, again! This month, we’re exploring the next major ingredient on The Wheel of Sexuality: Sensuality.

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW
Sexuality & Intimacy Educator

This is the third article in a series about the Wheel of Sexuality - 6 wedges in a wheel that contribute to how we play out our sexual lives as women. The term sexuality is an umbrella term over all 6 unique wedges, or categories for articulating our womanhood.

It gives us a format for honoring and celebrating our individual and unique expression of sexuality. The first wedge was Life Wisdom and last month we examined Intimacy.

In this article, we go a little deeper, into Sensuality. That’s an “s”, not an “x” in the middle of the word.

Where did your mind take you when you read this month’s title? If you’re like most women, it depends on your mood. If you were playing with your kids, you thought of tickling. If you just had a massage, it’s what you told your therapist. If your partner just got home, and you’re both not totally exhausted, it’s playtime!

It doesn’t matter if we’re tickling, kneading a tight muscle, or messing around in bed, the need for touch is universal. We all know the studies about the baby monkeys that died for lack of touch. In human beings, severe depression and even death are linked to sensory deprivation.

What does all of this have to do with our sexual selves?

Lots! All five of our senses are deeply connected to who we are as women and show up in how we express our sexuality. Paying attention to all 5 senses is critical for mental and sexual health.

The Importance of Touch

Touch is the most obvious. We like to be hugged and held in a certain way that’s special to us. Whether it’s during intimacy or the hand massage during a manicure, the way we liked to be touched and caressed, the sense of touch is unique to each one of us. It’s directly connected via our brain to our hormones of desire and arousal.

Everyday touch doesn’t evoke the same sense of arousal that we experience during erotic touch. (Thank goodness – can you imagine evolving into erotic arousal every time touch was pleasurable?). No, the brain sorts it out for us, so we can enjoy the many ways touch shows up in our lives.

Sight, Hearing, Taste and Smell

The other 4 senses: sight, hearing, taste, and smell – beg for our attention all day long.

If you’re feeling down, take a look at sensory deprivation. Your brain is asking for help! All day on the computer? Your brain is craving sensory satisfaction other than sight!

For our purposes, that means gratifying a new sense that addresses your womanhood. Give yourself a spray of your favorite perfume! Put on music that jolts you into a great memory, leaving you grinning from ear to ear. Indulge in a morsel of dark chocolate, and let it take you into romance, poetry, delight: “As sweet as the music of children’s laughter, as pure as the heart of a child…” said by Domingo Ghirardelli, no less!

It’s all about feeling good, as a woman. We are blessed with brains that differ from our male counterparts, as any multi-tasking woman will tell you. We can connect to our 5 senses – all 5 at once if we want total pleasure – in a way that lifts us up as the beautiful woman that we are. Your mood will change for the better. Your ‘tude will pick up. And, who knows, you might just morph into physical sexuality with someone special because you feel good all over.

Speaking of physical sexuality – that’s next month’s topic! Tune in, learn how your sexual expression is a precious gift, and pick up a few tips along the way. Until then…enjoy your sensuality!
Katherine Forsythe, MSW, is committed to bringing joy and insight into relationships, intimacy, and sexuality for women at midlife and beyond. Through her blog, consulting, and speaking, she inspires us to redefine and invigorate intimacy and relationships on our terms, as we mature.

Her post graduate work includes San Francisco State’s Institute for Human Sexuality. Kat is credentialed by AASECT – the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Please visit her website, GetaSecondWind, to learn more.

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Intimacy: Loincloths, Clubs, and Conversation…the Beginning!

SFWJ — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 11:25:29 +0000

Katherine Forsythe

Intimacy was born in “prehistoric” times – and so was the difference in how men and women interpret it. Intimacy, in the true sense of the word, is the need to be chummy with another human being.

It’s the need to feel connected, to be close. It’s about friendship, trust, faith, dependence, and belief in another person, and occasionally but not always, sex.

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW
Sexuality & Intimacy Educator

Intimacy is Hard Wired

It’s worth revisiting those earliest years. The hard wiring of the sexes around intimacy was crystal clear. Men were from Mars, then, too – with warrior-like thinking that stifled interdependence with another. Go figure … in “prehistoric “times, our male counterparts followed the order of the animals they hunted – eliminate competitors and guarantee the mate of choice.

No time to get cozy and chatty with another guy when you were about to clobber him for the privilege of bedding the best woman!

Women, on the other hand, needed each other once the offspring from the winner of the competition was born, and Daddy had beaten a fast path back to tracking saber tooth tigers . (Ok, so saber tooth tigers and early mankind didn’t dwell on this planet at the same time. If Hollywood can stretch the truth, so can I!).

It truly took a village to raise a child. Women quickly learned to share and divide tasks, to encourage play with the children, to build trust, and to gossip about all of it.

Intimacy is the Foundation of Personal Relationships

This month, we’re exploring Intimacy, the second major ingredient on The Wheel of Sexuality. The term sexuality is an umbrella term for articulating our womanhood. The Wheel of Sexuality give us a format for honoring and celebrating our unique and individual expression of our womanhood. Last month, we examined how life wisdom contributes to our womanhood.

Intimacy is the foundation of personal relationships. As women, we are hard wired with hormones that work as networking bridges. We naturally seek a connection before we proceed with any liaison – corporal, spiritual, or just casual friendship. With the exception of occasional hard core lust, we want a common bond, first. We look for mutual interests, a feeling of safety with another, trust and something to believe in.

Women’s Intuiton is REAL

“Women’s intuition” is real – the result of hormones and the necessity for quick assessment of the intruding cave man of days of yore. Is this hungry guy suitable to be the father of my children? Not a lot of time for conversation. That gut judgment still works for us. We just “know” sometimes.

As sexual women, we have a gift of intensity of intimacy that men don’t have. We have the ability to listen to feelings that will usually lead us to the right connection. During an especially great roll in the hay, we get flooded with hormones that create a feeling of closeness to our partner.

Here’s the catch in sexual relations: intimacy does not equal physical sex. They aren’t the same things, although intimate feelings are a necessary contributor to a successful sexual episode for most women.

Most women can have intimacy without sex, but no sex without intimacy. Most men can have sex with or without intimacy. (Remember the need to get back to the Saber Tooth tiger as soon as possible!). That’s where many relationship snafus begin. Conversation with your partner and understanding male hard wiring helps.

Your Unique Need for Intimacy

Every woman will express her unique need for intimacy differently. Some are happy with a few deep friendships. Others will need to be more intense with multi-layered, profound connections; still others will naturally seek passionate sexual bonds to get the level of intimacy required. Whatever form it takes, intimacy, closeness to another human being, is an essential part of who we are as women.

Next month we will explore sensuality, the 3^rd wedge on the Wheel of Sexuality.

Katherine Forsythe, MSW, is committed to bringing joy and insight into relationships, intimacy, and sexuality for women at midlife and beyond. Through her blog, consulting, and speaking, she inspires us to redefine and invigorate intimacy and relationships on our terms, as we mature.

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What does Life Wisdom have to do with Your Sexuality?

SFWJ — Wed, 19 May 2010 14:55:59 +0000

Katherine Forsythe

What has shaped your womanhood? Have you wondered why you think dramatically differently than your best friend (or even your own daughter!) about behavior, values, dress, and attitude towards men?

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW
Sexuality & Intimacy Educator

How Can She Think That?

Have you thought, “how can she say/do/think that?” It’s all about the “how to be a woman” lessons you gathered (or that she missed) from your years on this planet.

Last month, we started a series about the Wheel of Sexuality - 6 wedges in a wheel that contribute to how we play out our lives as women. By the way, the term sexuality is an umbrella term over all 6 unique wedges, or categories for articulating our womanhood.

Physical sex is just one wedge. Every woman has 5 more! The Wheel of Sexuality gives us a format for honoring and celebrating all aspects of our sexual self.

Life Wisdom and Your Sexuality

This month we examine the 1st wedge of the Wheel, Our life wisdom, the basis of who we are … our foundation … and that’s not the old fashioned name for tinted moisturizer! Our foundation erupts out of past experiences specifically as women – some wonderful, some not so fantastic. Those events sculpt our individuality today, and our preferences for how we each want to express ourselves as women.

Know this: there is no right or wrong way to behave as women, in spite of what Cosmo might tell us!

You lived through some amazing historical events – and you formed an opinion about womanly conduct that sits indelibly sketched on your brain. Consider: How did you interpret Monica Lewinsky’s behavior with President Clinton? What did your church or neighborhood chatter tell you about the values? How did Sarah Palin’s attitude about pregnancy and her daughter in the last election affect you?

Always Put a Newspaper on the Guy’s Lap!

You had personal life events that either have given you pause in relationships, or have freed you to be intimately adventurous. To illustrate, at a young age, many women were witness to a man’s exposing himself against her will (not talked about, but sadly a frequent and unfortunate event). On the other hand, you may have had a first sexual experience with a gentle kind passionate guy who cared deeply about your satisfaction and happiness.

One woman I know was told by consecutive teenage boyfriends that she was too fat. Today she is stunningly attractive, and, yes, sees herself as heavy and unworthy. Conversely, another friend carries herself beautifully in her larger frame, in part because she had grandparents who told her continually how lovely she was – inside and out.

Your womanly life wisdom was also influenced by ethnic/cultural influences, spirituality and/or religion, your own personality, the friendships you made with the opposite sex, experiences (good and bad) with former partners, even the formal sex education you may or may not have had.

I have a friend who was told by a Nun that she must always put a newspaper on the boy’s lap before she accepted his invitation to sit there – otherwise, instant pregnancy! It took her years to get past how absurd those instructions were, because they came from a respected authority figure.

Add it all up, and you are dramatically different from every other woman on the planet. Honor the extraordinary sexuality that your own distinctive life wisdom has bestowed upon you.

Next month, we will look at Intimacy.

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Improve Your Sex Life with Hypnotherapy

SFWJ — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 15:08:23 +0000

It no longer surprises me when a regular hypnotherapy client suddenly confides that she suffers from sexual issues. Typically this comes up after we have worked together for some time and solved other problems using hypnosis.

byJane Ransom, Certified Hypnotherapist

You’re Not Alone

This year my client Jade broached the issue, and the first thing I did was tell her she’s not alone. About 40% of women experience sexual dysfunction at some point in their lives, ranging from a simple difficulty of moistening, to an inability to climax. And generally, it’s all quite solvable with hypnosis, as our most powerful sexual organ is the brain!

Most sexual problems stem from inhibitions originally implanted by the client’s cultural or religious upbringing, or by negative personal experience. The client and I discuss her issue while she is in the cognitive state (i.e., before undergoing hypnosis), and I encourage her to tell me only information which she feels comfortable sharing.

It’s always important to protect clients’ boundaries, and especially so when dealing with a subject as private as sexuality.

Respecting Client Boundaries

The core of the treatment then consists of suggestions given during the hypnotic state. While my suggestions remain appropriate and respectful (never graphic), clients do vary as to what exactly will work for them. Therefore, our path to discovery usually involves some trial and error.

This was the case with Jade. In her forties, she has always been orgasmic when receiving oral sex, but during her first marriage ten years ago had lost the ability to climax during intercourse. She’d had a favorite strategy of being on top, until her then-husband complained he was bored with the position. He added: “Come on, you don’t really have orgasms anyway.”

Tragically, her subconscious mind accepted his cruel false words as truth, and she stopped being able to climax during coitus, even long after the marriage had ended, and she had met much nicer men.

Using Recall

We began Jade’s treatment by putting her under hypnosis and having her recall, silently and within the privacy of her own mind, her successful sexual experiences more than a decade earlier. I asked her to remember both physical sensations and emotions, indeed her complete physiological state. I suggested that her subconscious mind now re-memorize the experience in order to recreate the orgasmic state during actual sex with her current boyfriend.

Over the next week, she reported “getting much closer,” but her impatience was growing until the third session, when she declared: “Every time Alan and I are making love, I’m almost there, right on the edge, but then I start thinking about what we’re doing—and it’s gone!” That was exactly the clue we needed. Just as so often occurs in sports, her conscious mind—her thinking—was getting in the way.

Get in the Zone

The trick was to let her subconscious mind take over, exactly as it does for athletes when they’re “in the zone.” I knew Jade was a good skier, so after putting her into hypnosis, I suggested that she would remember to do during sex what she does while skiing—that is, to relinquish conscious control and trust her subconscious mind to guide the process to lead her to success. Next time I saw her, Jade was glowing with that success!
Jane Ransom, MA, C.Ht., conducts hypnotherapy sessions in her downtown San Francisco office, as well as by phone and online web-cam. She helps clients with a multitude of health issues, including weight loss, chronic pain and smoking cessation, and she also leads clients to achieve career, sports and artistic success.

As a public speaker, Jane offers talks and workshops on how to boost self-confidence and motivation, improve relationships and invite inspiration. For more information, please visit Jane’s website, HypnotherapyThatWorks.

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Beyond “Just Do It”…What Women’s Sexuality Really Means!

SFWJ — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 13:44:05 +0000

Katherine Forsythe

It was a dark and stormy night. The fire was blazing in the fireplace. Only the flickering flames lit the room. We lay together on the deep fur of the bear rug, near enough to feel the calming warmth of the fire radiating through our bodies. He held me close. I could feel the gentle in and out of his breath, coming faster. I rolled onto my back, waiting…

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW
Sexuality & Intimacy Educator

Ok, stop the cameras! That was cliché heaven. Scenarios like this are the stuff that romance novels are made of. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just not real life.

If Hollywood had Its Way

We sell ourselves short when we see the physical act of sex as the primary expression of who we are as sexual beings. If Hollywood had its way, being sexy as a woman would be all about, well, sex.

Not so. Physical intimacy is only one portion of our sexuality.

There’s Alot More to Sexuality than “Just Do It!”

This month, we start a series about the elements of our sexuality as women. There are 6 major ingredients. They’re all part of my Wheel of Sexuality.

The term sexuality is an umbrella term over all the ways we see ourselves and express ourselves as women.

Every woman is unique in her articulation of her womanhood. It’s important to recognize the ingredients , the wedges of the sexuality wheel, so that we can honor and celebrate all of it.

6 Elements of Sexuality

#1 is Life Wisdom. All that life has taught us about how we should act as women. Both positive and negative forces come into play.

#2 is Intimacy. Our connectedness to other human beings is critical. It’s our need to be close. This may or may not include physical sex. Deep friendships can provide intimacy.

#3 is Sensuality. All 5 of our senses help us celebrate who we are as women. Touch is only one of them. Sensory deprivation is a major cause of depression.

#4 is Physical Sexuality. Revisit the opening paragraph for this one.

#5 is Reproductive Health. Our reproductive organs require much of our attention. Our experience of the medical system influences how we define ourselves as women.

#6 is Sexual Identity. We see ourselves as heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual, trans-sexual. The expression of our orientation speaks mountains about how we present ourselves as women.

Each month, we will explore a different wedge of the wheel. In the meantime, enjoy the bear rug fantasy, but own the rest of your sexuality as well. It’s a gift for us to enjoy!

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Baby Boomer Dating…When the Phone Doesn’t Ring after the First Date!

SFWJ — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:40:29 +0000

He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose the restaurant du jour because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense.

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW

Katherine Forsythe

After dinner, you strolled arm in arm with him, down to the Embarcadero. You cuddled close together and star gazed. The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You virtually skipped back to your house after he left.

You can’t escape the thought…

This one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful!

The Phone Doesn’t Ring

Then, the phone doesn’t ring. For days. No email. No text message. What gives?

You begin to obsess. Did I drop the ball? Maybe I promised to call him?

What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will e-mail him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman?

And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?

Be Prepared for the Ups and Downs

In the world of midlife dating be prepared for the confusion and anxious feelings that arise. And remember, that although it’s many, many years later since that first date in High School, men and women still approach relationships from very different perspectives.

Men think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Women think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we women build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth.

Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.

If You Felt Good Energy…He Probably Did Too!

Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did too, and he will call again on his schedule. Maybe it will be right away… maybe not.

And in this age of the liberated woman, you may not like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run.

Ebb and Flow of Dating at Midlife

Dating at every age and stage of life has a natural “ebb and flow” to it. At midlife it’s important to be your own best friend when it comes to dating. Remember to honor your personal journey, be kind and nurturing of yourself. And at the same time extend the same respect to your date.

We all arrive at midlife dating having navigated the potholes and pitfalls of life and relationship experiences. Our experiences affect each of us very differently.

While you’re waiting for Mr. Wonderful to call, consider the best advice your Mother may have given you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing!

And trust that when he’s really the ONE, it will be Wonderful for both of you!

Doesnt Ring after the First Date!" width="448" height="43" />Katherine Forsythe, MSW, is committed to bringing joy and insight into relationships, intimacy, and sexuality for women at midlife and beyond. Through her blog, consulting, and speaking, she inspires us to redefine and invigorate intimacy and relationships on our terms, as we mature.

If you enjoyed this article and want to share it with a friend or the world:) …it’s easy. Click on the Share/Save button and you can e-mail, Tweet or Bookmark it!

Sexercises: Workouts to Work You Up

SFWJ — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 12:58:18 +0000

You know all of the good-for-you arguments for becoming more physically active, but here’s an especially attractive reward: exercise can improve your sex life!

Being physically active helps you feel more interested in sex, gives you the energy and strength you need for enjoying your partner or yourself more, reduces the stress that can block sexual interest and builds the muscles used in sexual intimacy.

Research shows that exercise boosts women’s sexual arousal—even if they were experiencing low sexual desire before starting physical activity. That effect is strongest 15 minutes after exercising (a good reason to work out at home!).

Exercises to Help Increase Your Sexual Interest and Pleasure!

These exercises can help increase your sexual interest and pleasure:

1. Aerobic exercise of all types—brisk walking, dancing, bike riding, swimming, jogging—improves blood flow, which supports sexual arousal. It also increases lung capacity and cardiac endurance for sustaining sexual activities as long as you want.

2. Do floor exercises to strengthen your flexibility and stamina. While lying on your back, try gentle pelvic arches, lower body lifts and thigh stretches. And don’t forget the importance of being able to support your body’s weight during sex. To get in shape for that, lie on the floor face down and do modified push-ups (keep lower leg bent on the mat or carpet).

3. Kegel exercises strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and are known for improving urinary incontinence in women and men, but these exercises also may help women reach orgasm and increase sexual functioning. Go here and here to learn more about how to perform Kegel exercises.

4. Pilates and yoga both build core muscles and so are likely to benefit sexual activity. Women have reported anecdotally that these methods have helped them.

A 2010 study found that Pilates improved pelvic muscle strength as much as a pelvic floor muscle-training program in women with little or no functional problem. Recent yoga research determined that women enrolled in a 12-week yoga program significantly improved their sexual functions in all categories: desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, satisfaction and less pain.

This article was written by our content partner- the National Women’s Health Resource Center. For more health and wellness tips, please visit HealthyWomen, or here for more sexual health tips.

References

* University of British Columbia Sexual Psychophysiology and Psychoneuroendocrinology Laboratory. “Sympathetic Nervous System Arousal and Sexual Functioning.”
* Price J. Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. (Emeryville, CA: Seal Press, 2006.)
Mayo Clinic. “Kegel Exercises: How to Strengthen Pelvic Floor Muscles.” Accessed January 7, 2010.
* Zahariou AG, Karamouti MV, Papaioannou PD. “Pelvic Floor Muscle Training Improves Sexual Function of Women with Stress Urinary Incontinence.” International Urogynecology Journal and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. 2008 Mar;19(3):401-6. Epub 2007 Sep 18.
* Culligan PJ, Scherer J, Dyer K, et al. “A Randomized Clinical Trial Comparing Pelvic Floor Muscle Training to a Pilates Exercise Program for Improving Pelvic Muscle Strength.” International Urogynecology Journal and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. Epub 2010.
* Dhikav V, Karmarkar G, Gupta R, et al. “Yoga in Female Sexual Functions.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Epub 2009.

Women and Dating at Midlife: What He Wants!

SFWJ — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 17:51:35 +0000

His turn: What does your passing score look like to him on the first date?

In my last column, we talked about what “she” needs from “him” on a first date. This time it’s his turn. What does a guy need from a woman on the first date – to get him interested in going on to date #2?

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW

Katherine Forsythe

Differences in Hardwiring!

Keep in mind the differences in our hardwiring. Men decide within 15 minutes whether there is a spark. Women take 30 minutes to an hour to decide thumbs up or down. Why? Simply hardwiring.

Men are much more visual and are quicker to make decisions. Physical attraction and personality are high on the male scale.

That makes it easy for them to assess quickly.

First Dates…from the Guys Perspective

With that in mind, here are the by-laws of a successful first date from the male perspective. The SF Bay Area guys who contributed their opinion are all single, ages 38 to 70. A few are looking for life partners. Some just want to play. Here’s what they said:

I am ok with paying for the first date, but show me that you won’t be a blood sucker and depend on me for everything. Give me a hint that you will help out later on. Don’t pressure me to pay for everything all the time.

I want to know that you are accessible sexually. That doesn’t mean that I want to have sex on the first date. It just means that you need to make me feel masculine, and flirt a little. I hope you think I’m hot.

Know that physical attractiveness is important to me. You don’t need to be beautiful, just be confident. In fact, being too good looking and perfect makes me feel insecure.

Dress attractively – if you want to show cleavage that’s cool with me. Don’t give away the farm, however. Keep some mystery to be discovered.

I wish I could tell you how insecure I feel about this whole thing, and how I have to act like I know what I’d doing. I really have no idea. Please be patient with me if I appear clutzy.

Don’t talk so much. Give me a chance. Don’t make me feel like I’m sitting before the Inquisition.

Please don’t play games or try to be someone you aren’t. Just be yourself.

First Dates are Nerve Wracking for Everyone!

Men are just as nervous as women on the first date. It’s nerve wracking for us all! In the end, however, there is one indicator of a good first date that cannot be ignored. It’s nothing more than listening to your gut. It won’t lead you astray. If you leave feeling energized, pursue it. If your gut says no, think seriously before you accept the next date.

Next time: What if he doesn’t call you, and you had a great time on date #1? … and other tragedies of early dating at midlife and beyond. Stay tuned!

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8 Ways to Improve Your Mood with Touch!

SFWJ — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:20:35 +0000

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW

Katherine Forsythe

Sensuality, the need for touch, is part of our sexuality – who we are as men and women. We are born as sexual selves and we die as sexual beings. This is not the act of sex that we are talking about. It is that very basic, primal human need to share the electrical connection or sensation that comes from the Power of Touch. It’s time to pay attention to that.

In Part One I of this article on the Power of Touch, I shared with you the profound impact that touch has on our wellbeing. Now I’d like to offer ways that you can easily add the Power of Touch to your daily living.

You Don’t Need a Lover to Enjoy Touch!

You don’t need a lover. You can start with touching yourself. My guess is that you don’t tan as much as you did earlier in your life, when each time you worshipped the sun, you applied lotion all over your body before and after tanning. Now, you can do the same after every shower. Lavish lotion all over yourself, and enjoy the sensation.

If you are not making love on a regular basis, you need that tactile sensual energy. For a single person who lives alone, opportunities for actual skin-to-skin contact with another human tend to be rare. As I tell my clients, if it’s to be, it’s up to me. You don’t need the dream lover to make it happen.

8 Ways to Add the Power of Touch!

There are many ways to add the Power of Touch to your life. Following are some simple things you can do. Pick one from this list, and schedule it for this week. Do the same thing next week. You don’t need to spend a lot of money:

1. Massage
2. Manicure (with a nice long hand and arm massage)
3. Pedicure with Massage
4. Foot Rub (In San Francisco, there are lots of wonderful foot massage studios that are very inexpensive. Check out the avenues for this.)
5. Trade Back Rubs with a Friend
6. Give and Receive Hand Massages
7. Give Hugs to Appropriate People
8. Don’t Forget the Juicy Lotion for after Bath or Shower

There are lots of activities you are told to do to take care of you. You can meditate, savor chocolate, work out, and read a best seller. Perhaps more important than all of those is taking care of the basic human need for human connection that comes from sharing bodily warmth with someone else.

Move it up to #1 on your list and make a plan to address it. Watch the mood swing dramatically from frown to smile.

What are your favorite ways to add Touch to your daily life?

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