Women and Dating at Midlife: Flying Solo

A Passing Score…What he needs to do to get to first base on the first date.  Some things cross all generations. Dating is one of them. 

by Katherine Forsythe, MSW

Katherine Forsythe

I met 3 women in San Francisco last week – each is flying solo, but is willing to entertain the idea of a man in her life.

Margerita,46, is recently divorced, and wants a partner who will wholeheartedly help her raise two teenage girls.

Tabitha, 58, recently left her husband when she unearthed a rude fact: he’s been finishing more than reports at the office.

At 50, Tam has never married, swore she never would, but the lens of time is showing her a new perspective on matrimony.

All three are actively auditioning candidates for the next phase of life – otherwise known as “dating”. Their conversation is amazingly consistent with every life  stage of dating.

The First Date is the Critical Audition

They concur – the first date is the critical audition. A passing score for him in round one plays out like this:

I need you to insist on paying, even when I say, “Oh please, let me split it with you”.  I will gladly shell out later, but I want to know that you feel that I am worth this glass of wine.

Open the door for me, pull out my chair, help me with my coat.

What do you “do” for a living? Wrong answer is “I’m looking, but money’s not important to me”. I want some emotional balance, here, and some security – or at least signs of security.

Ask me about my job. Ask me about me.

Red flags: former girlfriends, antidepressants, nights with the guys, lost portfolios, life with mother.

Don’t talk about sex. Yet. Don’t tell me I look hot. Yet. Don’t comment on body parts. Yet.

Keep your hands under your side of the table. You can kiss me lightly on the first date, and maybe a hug. Sex won’t happen until at least the third date.

The Three Legged Stool and 5 C’s

There are other systems, too. Linda, 60, uses a 3 legged stool. If one leg isn’t strong, the relationship will collapse. She is ruthless about it: passing muster means he is financially, psychologically, and physically sound.

Cathie has the 5 C’s: capitalized, captivating, cute, clean, and committed.

Finally, there is always the simple, straightforward no nurse and no purse strategy.

We Know More About What We Want

As midlife women, we enter the dating scene with more maturity and focus than ever before. We know much more about what we want.

But, if you haven’t spent some serious time with a pencil and paper making a list of what you’re looking for, carve out time this weekend. Sort for your top 10 preferences.  And most importantly, refresh your memory before you step out the door in those spicy heels and teasing hair. Nerves have a way of making you forget why you are meeting him!

Remember This

Truth told, it’s tricky to tell on the first date whether this is a pass or a fail. Always err on the side of “one more chance” – unless it’s a total disaster.

Most important for you: don’t take yourself too seriously. Above all, don’t take it personally, whatever he says!

Next time: What matters to him in round one? What’s a passing score for you?

Katherine Forsythe, MSW, is committed to bringing joy and insight into relationships, intimacy, and sexuality for women at midlife and beyond. Through her blog, consulting, and speaking, she inspires us to redefine and invigorate intimacy and relationships on our terms, as we mature.

Her post graduate work includes San Francisco State’s Institute for Human Sexuality. Kat is credentialed by AASECT – the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Please visit her web site, GetASecondWind to learn more.

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Posted on 14. Jan, 2010 by SFWJ in Relationships

Tags: dating, Know Yourself, relationships