You Complete Me: The Damaging Relationship Myth of our Times

I’m starting a new series of articles in the SF Bay Area Women’s Journal about relationships and man-woman dynamics, from a male perspective. This first article is centered around a common relationship myth that still pervades our culture: that our partner “completes” us.

by Rick Snyder, SF Bay Area Life Coach and Therapist

Rick Snyder

Even jokingly, we say that she or he is my “better half.” After working with hundreds of men, women, and couples as a therapist and life coach, I have witnessed over and over, the damage of this perspective.

The Perfect One

From Hollywood and Disney to High School Prom nights, many couples still remain restless in not finding that perfect mate. The one who is supposed to meet all of our needs, help take care of us, and look great doing it!

I know I’m exaggerating to make a point here, yet when we get down to it, most couples are actually in a relationship with their projections and fantasies of their partner. And that fantasy image quite often does not include the vulnerabilities, awkwardness and beautiful uniqueness of the person who is right in front of them.

The Simple Fact

Here’s the simple fact: you can’t really have a relationship with someone else, until you first develop a healthy one with yourself! This is the biggest blind spot I have seen in my own relationships as well as those that I work with.

Our culture is so other-relational based that we seem to take for granted the need to first develop a self-relational base. Somebody needs to be home to have a relationship with!

I’ve been a big caretaker in past relationships and have realized that if I’m not meeting my own needs, then what do I really have to give? And what is my motivation to give? Is there something unspoken that I am wanting in return?

These are the honest questions that really bring to light the issues that get in the way of authentically relating with our partner. If there is a “give to get,” chances are both people can feel it on some level.

First Steps

I have found that my relationships are more alive when I can lead by example. When my ulterior “give to get” motives come into my awareness, I share them with my partner. This way of authentically relating allows both of us to feel free in the moment and deepen our connection. It even allows us to laugh about our old stories and myths of how we hold onto and keep love, or unconsciously block it.

You may be wondering how you can learn to develop an intimate relationship with yourself. How can you learn to love and honor your changing needs from moment to moment? How can you own that you need love, but not be willing to sell your truth to get it?

Begin by Honoring Yourself

As one of my teachers, Daniel Barron has said, “When you come from love, it doesn’t feel like you’re losing your center. When you’re losing your center, you’re not coming from love.”

When I have made the time to honor and take good care of myself, then I usually attract a woman who is more in her wholeness as well.

She may complement me, but does not complete me. That’s my job!

Rick Snyder, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and MFT Intern, is a life coach and therapist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is as also a course leader for the Authentic Man Program and The Transformational Coaching and Leadership Training.

Rick is passionate about helping men, women, and couples discover their purpose, power, and aliveness in their careers and in their relationships. Drawing upon his background in Somatic Psychology, Emotional Body Awareness, meditation, and martial arts, Rick also infuses his work with humor, providing an uplifting and potent blend of profound awareness, authenticity, and play. For more information, check out Rick’s services at RickSnyder.org.

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